I have a big personality. Your very own drama queen. The one who will show off her best dance moves at 2am when she can’t sleep, the one who gets excited over the smallest things. If you need her, she’s there in a heartbeat. The class clown who used to put on the best impressions of teachers. She knows how to laugh at herself, so when others laugh at her, she doesn’t take it to heart.
Laughter is her middle name, but serious when she needs to be. The laid back one who sees the bright side to every situation.
Apart from family and close friends, there’s been times where I have felt like I am ‘too much’ for people, and It took me a while to accept that these are the people who are not for me.
They make it seem like you’re hard to handle.
Not everybody is going to behave how I would and that’s okay. Not everybody’s energy is going to be in sync with mine, and that’s also okay.
Not everybody wants to talk about their worst job experience, what they would invest 1 million pounds in, their first heartbreak or where they see themselves in 10 years and that’s completely fine.
Do you, boo boo.
When I say ‘too much’ I don’t mean crazy or wild. I’m not referring to the Love & Hip Hop squad. You won’t catch me pole dancing on the tube at the Victoria line, you won’t catch me firing shots at the Miss Guided employee on social media because I haven’t received my next day delivery yet, nor would you catch me smashing a man’s car for cheating.
I’m just so outgoing, I’m an observer, I can tell when someone is happy, I can tell one someone is sad, I feel a lot, I care a lot, I laugh a lot, I love a lot, I’m spontaneous, I want experiences, I want to know things, I’m always asking why, I’m always researching the most random topics; like which country has the highest rate of high school drop outs, tell me what keeps you up at night, let’s go for a walk at 1am, tell me your most embarrassing moment,
I think the biggest challenge about having a big personality like myself is that no one knows when you are truly hurting unless you literally break down in front of them.
When you’re quiet just for the sake of being quiet, you get the whole: “Are you mad at me?” “Are you not feeling well?” “Why are you being antisocial?” But when you’re active and charismatic it’s:
“Omg, do you ever shut up?!”
“You’re so immature!”
But I love me.
It took me a while, but who’s got you like you’ve got yourself?
The worst thing someone would’ve done to me is accuse me of being something that I’m not. Questioning my character was the quickest way to make my blood boil. I am very much aware of myself, so why were they talking so much?
I laugh it off because they don’t know me.
They judge you because you’re so comfortable with yourself . They judge you because you’re so bubbly and apparently, it equates to harbouring a double life and therefore cannot be trusted. They judge you because you’re so independent and they’re threatened by the fact that you do not like being controlled. They judge you for being you. They want you to be an idea of what they want. Or, they may even like the idea of you, but are not ready to face the reality of you.
They make it seem like you’re hard to love.
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone”
– Robin Williams
Too many times I have fallen into that trap. I’d say maybe it’s not that bad to tone myself down to please others, maybe it’s okay to overlook people’s negative true colours.
I come across as ‘too much’ because I want to know others. I come across as ‘too much’ because I want to help others. I come across as ‘too much’ because I’m always looking for solutions. I come across as ‘too much’ because I actually want to do things. Big things. I come across as ‘too much’ because I really don’t want a mediocre life.
So no, I’m not going to change just to make others sleep better and I’m sure as hell not going to sell myself short. You shouldn’t either.
I am not for everybody.
My aura is the epitome of positivity, so if it’s not being reciprocated, you don’t get to see the best parts of me.
“Bitches left me cause they thought I was finished”
– Word to Nas