Letter to my younger self

 

Hey Berns,

I’ve just turned 21 and you’re about 15/16. I thought I’d write this as a guide to get you through this weird but amazing thing called life. Mind you, I’m still not an expert at it, but the progress has been crazy and I thought It’d be nice to give you a heads up.

I hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re looking after yourself. I hope you’re still singing along to high school musical in your underwear like you do anytime it comes on TV, and then doing a Usain Bolt up the stairs as soon as you hear a key enter the key hole.

I hope you’re still reciting iconic scenes from films and playing three different characters by yourself.

I hope you’re still carelessly eating Nutella out of the jar with a teaspoon to satisfy your ridiculous sweet tooth. I hope you’ve been patterning Aunty Gloria to not give you some yamma yamma hairstyles. You know what she’s like, always trying to do things HER way. Lol, don’t have it. You will really cry in that salon.

I hope Dad gave you what you wanted after hours of complaining because you know you always get your own way, from time your name is his password (still is by the way). I hope you’re still giggling and smiling for no reason purely because you turn dull moments into fun.

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But how comes every now and then you shed tears? How comes you doubt your capabilities every chance you get? Why do you fill your head with what ifs and should haves?

Don’t worry, I know why. I was asking for dramatic effect…

I know things seem tough for you. You’re still trying to find yourself, you don’t feel good enough for anyone or anything, grades are moving hot and cold, this boy isn’t acting right, you’re shy as hell, you don’t think you’re pretty and you’re still yet to know your worth. Sometimes you don’t even know the root cause of your sadness, that’s how bad it is.

Countless of times you’ve been taken for granted, you could write a book on all his lies, you feel like you’re trapped in the body of a 10 year old because when is puberty going to do its job properly, people are continuously taking your kindness for weakness, you’re giving away so much of yourself and so when people leave, you’re lost again. Somebody stop the earth, I want to get off you’re thinking.

Even now, the above try to pay me visits but you’re going to have all the fight in the world to overcome them.

You just wait.

You probably won’t believe this and I don’t blame you considering the growth stage you’re currently at, (you might even start screwing in the next couple seconds) but I just want to let you know that you are beautiful. Your skin is beautiful, your hair is beautiful, your mind is beautiful; your personality is the cherry on the cake, the angel on the Christmas tree;

You get the idea πŸ™‚

Once you begin to acknowledge this, you will get the shock of your life.

They grow fast, one day she’s your little princess, next day she’s talking boy business, what is this?
– Nas

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When you stop allowing boys to control your emotions, dictate your actions and distract you, you will get the shock of your life. When you stop comparing your body, hair and looks to other girls and looking at yourself like the way you look at the annoying fob in Seven Sisters station who won’t leave you alone even after you lied and said you’re 12, (ew) you will get the shock of your life.

When you build on your confidence, step out of your comfort zone and no longer miss out on opportunities, you will get the shock of your life.

When you find out who you really are, you will cry tears of joy.

You just wait.

Enjoy your youth. There’s no rush.
These are the type of things I still tell myself now.

I know you still don’t know what your attributes and aspirations are and that’s okay, it’s okay not to have all the answers. I know school keeps holding all of these career enterprise thingy’s and that’s a good shout, get involved, just don’t feel pressured. You know what you want now and you’re not settling for less.

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I know you like thinking about the future a lot; university, career, finance, marriage etc and there’s honestly nothing wrong with that, (you’re still not married btw). The 2012 London Olympics is soon and you and your girls are all like “Omg, next olympics I’m going to be 20, that’s maaaaaad!” Lol, it wasn’t that deep in the end.

But knowing you Berns, you give the future a foot hold to stress you out a tad too much and try to have everything figured out instead of actually living in the moment. Like I said, It’s okay not to know what you want right now.

Disclaimer; Hey! This isn’t a free pass to do 2-2 chillings here and there, open up that book g.

Don’t get too annoyed over dad always ringing your phone asking where you are at 9pm, give it a year or so and you will see freedom. Legit. His laid backness is incredible.Β I went to Paris one weekend and only informed him the day before. (Not on purpose, I genuinely forgot – mate, that’s how you know everything is so chilled πŸ˜‚) To him, it was like saying “Yeah dad just popping to Asda”.You will start seeing things like this become the norm.

Stop allowing these area boys to sweet talk you, they’re not going to be around in the next couple years; or them ones where they’ll pop up on every one of your social media platforms years later and you’ll be like who what what where.

It’s every Thursday subway before school to get sub of the day innit? Annoyingly, they don’t do that anymore.

Fight me.

Put your hand up in lesson more, you’ll be happy you did. Stop taking naps in history. Miss what’s her name will send shots at parents evening. Stop trying to prove yourself to others, later on you’ll see how unnecessary this is. Being a people pleaser is a no no.
Stop trying to grow up so fast.
Where are you running to? Matter of fact, appreciate that free Oyster card of yours, because looooool when you see the prices of transport now.

Girl, bye.

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Sorry to burst your bubble (although you’ll eventually thank me for this) but you’re never going to be that curvy girl with the small waist and big bum. Your body is your body and it’s the only body you’re going to get, so I suggest you start accepting it now and appreciate every inch of it.

Yep, you’re still small.

You still have really light stretch marks across your bum cheeks that stand out a lot, you still have that scar on your face from when one of the kids mum used to babysit cut you with scissors when you were 6 (how did we let that run please)? You still have that thick burn mark across your arm from when you got too friendly with the iron at 3.

You still have bony wrists that stick out. You still have a drop lip, yes the same drop lip the boys in college tease you about. It’s all good though, you got the last laugh. You still see the good in others even when they give you every reason under the sun not to. You’re still dopey, looool I swear we’re like 5 seconds behind on life. You’re still mad sensitive and you’re still a bit of a cry baby.

They say the coolest players and foulest heartbreakers in the world, God gets us back, he makes us have precious little girls.
Nas

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But guess what?

You’re still sweet, intelligent, caring, down to earth, selfless, respectful, considerate, loved by many and when you start embracing your flaws you will be so much happier. When someone else still takes you as you are, you’ll wonder if you were ever okay in the head from all the times you hated it and from all the times you allowed someone to make you hate it.

Be unapologetically you.

Your girls are so important. They will always be there for you longer than any higgy hagga boy and through any difficult phases you encounter. They’ll see the best in you, they’ll watch you grow, they’ll pick you up when you’re broken. They’ll share some of your best experiences with you. They’ll tell you how it is no matter how much you’re not trying to hear. They are still here! In big 2017 because they the realist and where else you gon’ find bad b’s like them?!?!!?

You’ve started driving lessons! Finally, I know right. And you’re doing so great at it too. You’re legit behind the wheel doing guy. You’ve driven past the same fruit market mum used to spend hours in, the same McDonalds you planned your playground wedding in back in year 6 and the same bustop you and Quinnie died of laughter at in the summer of 2012 when you both spotted a guy who looked exactly like this comedian.

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Life, aye.

Read more books, read more articles, visit museums and galleries, research things you don’t understand, spend some time alone, drink more water, touch the hearts of others, be slow to anger, pray for those who offend you, worry less. Don’t rely on school to educate you. When you get older you will see that isn’t enough.

There comes a day in your life, when you wanna kick back; straw hat on the porch when you’re old perhaps?
– Nas

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So many times you will wish for a rapid journey. That rapidness to get where you want to be in life already, those when is it my turn moments. Those can we skip to the part where I’m doing cartwheels on Miami Beach during my business trip moments.

Normal.

“The delay is intentional …”

Sometimes you will doubt yourself, sometimes you will feel anxious and sometimes you might want to give up.

Normal.

Just know that your resilience game is sensational. Just know that you’ve got the most amazing friends and family who will always support you and who will always see the potential you don’t see in yourself. Open up to them. They’re great listeners and will actively do anything to help.

Just know that you’ve got SO much to be thankful for, you don’t even realise! Just know that the L’s you’re taking have been transformed into something better and you’re going to be so glad they even happened.

So, have you stopped crying yet?

You’re such a good girl with a heart of gold.

Learn to love yourself.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you it’s the simplest thing to do because it’s not. It’s not straight forward at all, I don’t even think there’s a final destination as it’s an ongoing process, but you’ll be so glad you started! A good starter I would suggest is writing down everything you love about you and then reading it back to yourself on a daily basis. Let the words marinate into your head baby girl.

Never stop searching for more ways to love yourself better.

Our day will come, if we just a wait a while. No tears for us, think love and wear a smile.
Amy Winehouse

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Lots of love,
xo
References:

Quinnie – My best friend
Nas – Daughters
Nas – Can’t forget about you
Amy Winehouse – Our day will come

 

 

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6 Comments

  1. March 12, 2017 / 7:12 pm

    Some of this honestly brought a tear to my eye! I really loved reading this x

    Victoria | VictoriaaHelenn

    • bernsweb
      March 12, 2017 / 7:50 pm

      Thank you so much! Glad you loved it! x

    • bernsweb
      March 14, 2017 / 2:26 pm

      Thank you ❀❀

  2. March 14, 2017 / 10:36 pm

    So beautifully written, & you a Nas and Amy fan tooβœ¨πŸ‘ŠπŸΎπŸ’•

    • bernsweb
      March 14, 2017 / 10:38 pm

      Thanks girl! Yass all the way! ❀❀

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